"I'm Not Playing About Me"
Celebrating her 50th birthday brought clarity to this wellness advocate
Over the course of writing Bloom How You Must, I interviewed more than 100 Black women, who I lovingly dubbed “the Gardeners.” As we move closer to publication, I’ll be sharing pieces of their stories with you, some included in the book and some that aren’t.
Pamela Davis, 50
Listening to The Well-Done Life podcast helps me feel centered. Something about host Pamela Davis’ voice immediately takes me to a place where I am calmer, more grounded. I adore the topics and the sincerity with which she takes us along her journey.
Tapping Pamela for an interview was a no-brainer. I’ve been a guest on her podcast and our conversation, now four years in the rearview mirror, still sits with me as a heart-warming discussion on self-care and the ways we grow in community.
For this conversation, we went deeper. Our interview was centered around sacrifice. When we’re called to put ourselves on the back burner for the needs of family, what happens to us as a result? How do we adjust? What scars need attention once the worst of it is over?
After her father passed more than a decade ago, Pamela found herself in an unexpected position: that of full-time caretaker for her mom. In a matter of three hours, her entire life changed. Alongside her sister, the two of them carried the weight of that responsibility with varying degrees of success.
“I lost myself,” she admitted. “I gave myself to everybody else from 38 until 50. From 38 after my dad died, until I would say about a good 10 years. I was like a walking zombie.”
As the calendar approached 50, however, Pamela decided it was time to shift. Therapy gave her the grounding she needed to climb out of her mental health crisis.
Is it something about hitting your 40s, 50s, 60s, that gives you that freedom to just…be? I asked.
“I’m not worried so much about what somebody else thinks anymore,” she told me. “I’m not worried about trying to impress everybody. I’m living me, I’m doing me, I’m creating the moments that I wish I had done back in my 30s and 40s now, because I know that if not now when?”
Pamela told me that the traditional vision boards don’t work for her. Cutting out images and arranging them on a board wasn’t her vibe. Instead, she chose to make a “What I’m Leaving Behind” list.
On it? Overthinking. Living for everybody else. Neglecting her needs. Putting herself last.
”I have to move super intentionally, because I was like, if I don’t do it now, when am I going to do it?” she wondered. “I don’t wanna be 60 years old sitting up in here trying to figure out why I’m not living the life that I deserve. So I took that last part of last year to have like a severely personal conversation with myself about where I plan on going and how I plan on moving in this next decade. And I really have been aligning myself now to be the most authentic version. I made the decision.”
How did your last milestone birthday change you? What are you claiming for this current decade?
A PEEK INTO MY WEEK
What I’m watching: I watched Renee Elise Goldsberry’s Satisfied and you’ll be hearing my full review of it soon!
What I’m reading: Toni Morrison’s God Help the Child, her last novel. I’m reading my way through all her fiction work, having only read The Bluest Eye and Sula. I’m working on my fiction-writing muscle, and I’m highlighting passages that make the hair on the back of my neck stand up.
What I’ve been journaling about: Suddenly I’m scared of everyone reading my book. Anxiety is sky high. Lord help!
What I’ve been craving: Vacation. Ha!
How I’m managing stress: My son has been training me in the gym and I don’t know if it’s stress relief now because he is so much stronger than I am and doesn’t realize his mama is OLD. Not real old, but gym old. I can barely walk.
PREORDER BHYM
You can pre-order Bloom How You Must anywhere books are sold! We are two months away from publication and I am so thrilled that so many of you have sent over your pre-order confirmation screenshots. (I truly didn’t expect this but I’m honored!)
PAID IN FULL
Thank you to my paid subscribers: Sarah, Felicia, Lauren, Stacey, Antoinette, Erika, Simone, Lisa and Chareese! Appreciate you all greatly! A paid subscription to The Well-Rested Black Woman ($5/month) offers me a chance to continue to tell our stories and promote the hell out of wellness for those of us who need it most.
OTHER WAYS TO SUPPORT
If $5/month is out of your budget, here are a few ways to support me and the work I’m doing around Black women’s wellness:
Share this Substack with friends or people you think would enjoy it
Share the pre-order link for Bloom How You Must or request Bloom How You Must at your local library
Join The Self Care Suite community group
Invite me to your church, book club, community organization or workplace for a discussion on Bloom How You Must and its themes